‘Tis the Season…
Has anybody else noticed that I continue to date my blog posts even though they get automatically dated when I post them? Just wondering…
So here we are everyone, the end of another month, and just 31 days closer to the end of another year. And as we close the book on November and prepare ourselves for December, this time of year is best known of course as the Holiday season. And with that in mind, and with the inspiration from Scott Spinelli who write a great Christmas versus Hanukkah article in the Daily Orange, I thought I would lighten up the mood after the last few posts with my problems with the Holiday Season, including why I think Hannukah should be completely eliminated from both the Jewish and American calendars starting next year.
Is it just me, or does Christmas begin earlier and earlier every year? A few years ago, I started to realize that the Christmas season began a little whlie after Thanksgiving. The stores started putting up their decorations, the sales began to mount up everywhere you looked, and the radio stations started that painfully annoying tradition of playing Christmas music- all day long on some stations.
The last few years have started to see Christmas poke its red and green head out from the calendar earlier and earlier, as I can distinctly remember seeing advertisements for Christmas before the Halloween stuff was completely gone.
By next year, they should honestly just change the Fourth of July color themes from Red, White and Blue to Red, White and Green- not to satisfy all you Italians, but because at the rate we’re going with Christmas starting early, its bound to become a year-long event by the time we’re all old enough to celebrate it with our children.
Next problem with this time of year- The fascination with the lights. Christmas and Hannukah both seem to center around lights. And for Christmas, these crazy assholes generally start replacing their Halloween decorations with red and green lights, blown up snowman, inflatable Santa Claus and the one that really creeps me out- the Nativity Set, or better known as a plastic rendering of the birth of Christ.
Now I know most of Christmas (all of it from the point of view of a Jew) is fictional, however i can understand the fat man in his red suit with frosty and Rudoplh chillen out on the lawn. Its corny, but its not nearly as awkward as seeing a lifesize version of the miracle of life video we all were forced to watch in health. Again, I understand its not as graphic, and he is the lord and savior of an entire faith of people, but do me a favor, and keep it in the bible and off my block.
And for what its worth, Jesus was Jewish, so it would only be fair that Jews be given the chance to display the Bris of Christ on our lawns during the 8 nights of Hanukkah.
And speaking of the festival of lights, as we often refer to it as, I have some serious issues with Hanukkah, along with some suggestions on how to improve it, since taking it off the calendar is probably out of the question.
My issues with Christmas, and they extend far beyond the things I mentoned, are really a moot point considering I don’t celebrate the Holiday. Why Celebrate the birth of a guy who was born thinking he was the leader of my faith, only to be stolen and claimed as the savior of another? If i were into all that changing of faith bullshit I wouldn’t avoid Tom Cruise movies as passionately as I do.
Hanukkah however is a Holiday I have not only celebrating every year since birth, but have embraced with open arms…mainly because kick ass gifts were always placed within those arms of mine. But now that I’m older and wiser (according to me anyway), I realize how flawed a Holiday Hanukkah is.
Problem number one. It occurs during the same month as the single most commercialized event of the year (Christmas for those of you too slow to follow). That would be like Arena Football holding an All Star Game at 6 o’clock on Super Bowl Sunday.
Problem number two. White and Blue just aren’t as appealing as green and red. I know they are the national colors of Israel, but how about we throw some Orange into the mix to lighten things up? Since we love to brag about how its the festival of lights, lets outline the Jewish stars in orange flames? Then again with that idea we might as well throw a rainbow on top of it. Nevermind.
Problem number three. 8 crazyyy nights. Quite frankly, we get the idea after the first night, and by night three we’re tired of waiting to eat dinner to light some candles and say some prayers. Plus its just a matter of time before the fire department gets that 911 call “yes my house is on fire…the menorah fell after the cat got curious”
Problem number four. The food. Well actually come to think of it, the potato pancakes and jelly donuts are pretty damn good. Moving on.
Problem number five. Christmas songs and music get the likes of world famous musicians like Bruce Springsteen and Mariah Carey. Jews get Adam Sandler. I’m as big a fan of the Hanukkah songs as the next guy, but when they sing about Jingle Bells and Santa Claus in town, while we sing about O.J Simpson still not being Jewish, something just doesn’t seem right.
Problem number six. The story. They stole Jesus, gave him a last name and created a Holiday surrounding it. And years later they have millions and billions of dollars to show for it. Us Jews? Our story centers around an almost equally hard to believe tale of some magic oil lasting 8 nights after some guy named Judah Maccabee helped defeat the Greeks sorta like in 300 except without getting themselves all killed. Yea ok. I’ll believe that right along with Santa getting his fat ass down all those chimneys in roughly 8 hours of work. I dont think they could pay him enough to do so.
And so there you have it. This time of year, when most people are happy and enjoying the sights and sounds of the Holiday season, I sit back and wonder why we are wasting so much time and money on two events based on stories which even bad Hollywood movies wouldn’t take part in….
scratch that…last time I chekced there werent Jewish versions of A Wonderful Life or Miracle on 34th street. And if there were, I would imagine they would be titled “Its a Wonderful Life- Thanks to all the money we put away for Retirement- and Miracle on the Lower East Side, the story of how 4 Jewish immigrants managed to muster the courage to spend the money they had saved on a loaf of bread
And with that, I wish you all a Happy Holidays…
…no need to reciprocate.
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