Fier Thy Words

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Pick Up Lines: For the Not-so-Confident Guy

by Scott Spinelli


I want to put out a question to any woman reading this right now. Single, not single. Whatever. At this point, I’m not going to make distinctions.

How is that you’d like to be approached in public places?

Everyone knows those stupid pick up lines, that Fresh Prince style garbage.

Girl, you must be tired, cuz you been running through my mind all day.

Just this past weekend, my lack of confidence stymied me again. The lucky gal was left to her own devices. It turns out she was lucky in more ways than she could have even imagined.

You see, the truth, at least as far as I see it, is there really are no good pick-up lines. The men that have to use pick-up lines (uh, me), are the ones that aren’t necessarily good enough at anything else to get the woman in the first place.

Do you think any of the guys on the basketball team go up to women and say, “Excuse me young lady, but I would like to let you know that I play for the intra-collegiate basketball squad here on campus. May I buy you a beverage?”

No, they don’t have to do that. Simply being alive and enormous is enough. Yet, for the rest of us mere humans, we don’t have that luxury. So, we are left to scheme, plot and devise stupid things to get strange women to talk to even stranger men.

Contrary to what you might believe, I absolutely clam up. I have nothing to say to this person, nor can I think of any reason I’d ever have anything to say to her ever. I actually, and I swear this is true, almost went up to a girl and told her that I couldn’t think of anything to say to her, but would still like to buy her a drink. Talk about being a quitter.

The only thing I have is this suggestion a friend gave me. Basically, if you have one male friend, you can perform this stunt. Go up to the girl, with an extra drink in your other hand. Tap the girl on the back, pretend you thought she was your friend and then just wait for her reaction. As far as we thought it through, there’s only three ways it can go.

1. She takes the drink, and is fine with not being who you thought she was. Likely, this is the first in many lies that will define the relationship.

2. She takes the drink, but doesn’t want to talk to you. Think of it like this: you found out she’s a “witch,” and it only cost you $3. Normally, it takes a guy months and months (not to mention a near down payment on a house).

3. She refuses the drink, and now you have an extra drink. This is clearly the second best option, and maybe you can even try it on someone else.

That being said, I obviously don’t have enough confidence to try even that.

One of my best friends here at school pulled a true stunt that should be written down and shared with future generations.

He saw this girl he liked, and simply approached her in the dining hall. Why’s that so great? Well, he had never spoken to her, and just went up to a random, beautiful girl and asked her if he could sit at the table (where she was already with another friend).

People like this belong in the hall of fame.

Can you imagine that, a hall of fame for men? No athletes, no musicians. Just regular men. And there’s a special Spinelli wing (because I just thought of it, I get naming rights, deal with it) that honors men that have completed feats of strengths with women.

A gold plaque for John Q. Pimp: Career Highlights: More than 125 random women picked up in bars, saloons, socials, etc…Has been with women between 5’2″ and 6’7″. Favorite Line: “Girl you must be a ticket, because you’ve got fine written all over you.”

Essentially, consider pick-up lines a fairly harmless trap. We’re the Elmer Fudds of the world, desperately searching for you, the Bugs Bunnies of the world, if you follow the metaphor. Really, all of the effort we put into those lines are just to trick you into speaking with us for a few minutes more, and we’ll do anything to try and see that through to the end.

Scott Spinelli is a humor columnist at the Daily Orange, where his column appears every Thursday. If you have a good hook-up story, e-mail him at


February 8, 2008 - Posted by | Spinelli

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